I’m just here, hanging around, dancing with the wind. I’m white, pale, cold, and lonely. I’m here, but why? Why did this happen? Why did I do that to myself?! And then I just remembered. It is true what they say. My life passed before my eyes…
It was a Monday morning, my favorite day of the week: back to school, back to my classes, and friends. I dress just like every other day– jeans and a large sweater. It was a cold morning and I love it! My friends are not going to insist on me taking my sweater off, even if I don’t want to. The worst part of the day is getting on the bus. It`s too many people; and sometimes this makes my blood pressure rise. And if it reaches too high a level, it might also suddenly decrease, which could make me faint.
Already on the way to school, I saw him, my boyfriend. He is not the cutest boy ever, but he has the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen–caramel brown. When our eyes meet it is like everything else disappears, and only we exist. Seeing him again was like a dream, but then my best friend appeared and ruined the moment.
“Molly! Molly! Guess what?”
She’s grabbing my hand hard, too hard, and it hurts, a lot.
I try to smile, I really try, but it hurts too much. I start taking her hand off my arm; but unfortunately, she grabs my arm harder.
“Take your hands off me!”
She does this, but she gives me a weird look, and she’s not the only one… another girl does too. This one I know is my enemy, and she gives me a strange look also, but not like she always does. She’s going to do something, but what? Well, it doesn’t really matter since everything she tries to do usually goes the opposite of how she planned it.
(The bell rings.)
” ‘Bye Molly, see you later. I love you.”
“Me too. ‘Bye.”
Jonah gives me a little kiss and then leaves. He has gym now, and I have social studies. I don’t see him until chemistry, at fourth period. That was where we were first partners; where we first met and became a couple.
(Flashback to 4 months ago, our first conversation.)
“You need help with the questions?”
“Thanks, but no, Jonah, I’m alright.”
I don’t really know what happened then, but our eyes met, and between one second to another we were kissing each other.
That was our first kiss and the beginning of our relationship.
I remember that day was a Monday too, and smile to myself. Yet another reason to love Mondays.
Finally, I’m in chemistry class! Jonah is already at our desk like always, waiting for me.
“This is wrong. You didn’t learn anything, Ms. Brooks.”
The teacher’s comment was for me. He calls everyone by their last name. I stand up and I walk to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To the bathroom.”
I didn’t wait for a response; I close the door and start running to the bathroom. I need to do something, and fast.
I get inside one of the bathroom stalls. I don’t worry about closing the door, because everyone should be in class. That turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I could ever have made.
The day finally ends! I arrive home, and like always, nobody is there; just silence and peace.
Hmm…what’s that sound? My phone? What time is it? Oh, oh, it is my mother, her third call. Looks like I’m going to have some problems.
After I`m finished talking on the phone, I do it; making tiny cuts with the knife; one, two, three, another and another…so many that I even lose count.
The next day when I arrive at school, I notice everyone looking at me oddly. They were staring as if I had done something shameful. I found Jonah’s head in the crowd and I walked to him.
He was talking to some guys that are with him on the swim team. They look at me, but it’s not a nice look; it’s like they don’t want me to be close to them. Jonah grabs my hand and takes me to an isolated place.
“Molly, we have to talk.”
I don`t like how that sounds, something is going to happen. And it won’t be nice.
“You’re going to break up with me right?”
“But why? I thought you loved me.”
“And I do, but…”
“But what? Is there another girl?”
He takes out his phone and shows me a video. And I’m in it…cutting myself.
“How did you get this?”
“Elaine sent it to every person in the school.”
“But… what does this have to do with us?”
I already know the answer but I have to hear it from him. Even though I know how much it is going to hurt.
“I can’t be the boyfriend of the crazy girl ! Do you know what people are going to think?”
I just walk away. He doesn’t love me; because if he did, he would stay with me no matter what other people thought.
I ran to greet my best friend, but she moves away when I try to hug her.
“You know about me and Jonah right? And now you’re going to do the same?”
“Why!? Why are you doing this!? You’re supposed to be my best friend! Don’t leave me! Please don’t!
But she didn’t listen; she walks away and doesn’t look back. Why do I lose all the people that I love? That’s why I didn’t say anything. I knew they were going to leave me, and now I’m alone. Everyone is looking at me, but the bell rings, and in seconds I’m alone, again.
Now I’m walking in a place that I never visited before, and nobody is going to find me here. My shirt is so wet with tears that it clings to me like a second skin. I can’t stop crying. All the people that I cannot live without have left me alone. They don’t know how much their words hurt me. Usually, it just takes me hours to get over them, to calm down, but this time, it isn’t the same. I’ve lost the only two people I cannot live without.
And that’s how I got here. I was right: no one will find a suicide here, even assuming they would look for me and not just continue with their life as if I’d never existed. I force a smile, I should be happy, here, just here, in the quiet ruins of some old building.
Where my body rests in peace…
By Yeritza Mejia