How could I, Laozi, defy nature and its glory? I lived in solitude, nature being my only companion. I had gone against everything I believed in by falling in love with a Chinese Tree of Peonies. It was immaculate. It seemed as if it were sprinkled with luminous powder the way the light reflected off its graceful branches curved and bent in such intricate forms. Its flowers were vibrant; the reds quivered charismatically, the pinks shook with sympathy, the fuchsias bounced with felicity. Even the blue, turquoise water of the Caribbean, Iguazu Falls, and the pink feathers of the Flamingo, were no match for this tree. It was nature’s greatest work yet.
Like everything in nature, this tree did not strive for fame, power , or even wisdom. Its leaves blew in the wind as if they became one, the wind danced around the elegant leaves and its peonies would bloom, opening up as if waking up from a deep slumber. I came across the tree one day as I was by the Huang He River. The yearly flooding of the river was approaching. I wanted to sit by the river and observe the water bounce from stone to stone, and the clouds caress the sky and enjoy the tickle of the grass.
The tree was a few steps away from the river bank. It could be easily missed as it was hidden by other big trees. The days that followed after my encounter with the tree were quite simple. I rose just as the sun woke from its sleep; the sun was yawning as it rose. The reds, yellows, and oranges all stretched out across the sky. I made the journey to the Huang He River, never neglecting to notice the beauty of the forest: the birds feeding their young, the caterpillars trotting along the leaves or the aroma of the early morning dew. I quickly made my way towards where I had seen the tree. I was almost afraid that it would not be there when I arrived. I watched it until I could no longer watch. My eyes threatened to close on me if I watched the tree any longer. Each time I watched the tree, I found something new to admire. I would notice a new flower blooming or a glowing leaf, even a butterfly circling around the tree and magnifying its beauty. I never ran out of things to love, the possibilities were endless.
The more time we spent together, the stronger our love became. The peonies would blossom and flaunt their beauty. I would rub its branches and whisper compliments to it. I would kiss its flowers and water them when nature was not doing its job. The tree’s leaves would shake and vibrate, its branches would sway with the wind, and its flowers would exhale lovely scents at me. It gave off love. It gave me love. The wind would blow and it would whisper “I love you”. I did not know if it was in my head. I wondered if someone was around me. I realized that it was the tree declaring its love for me. The words would swirl in the air and into my ears, into my soul giving me a feeling of euphoria. One day, I whispered back “I, too, love you my dearest tree.”
There was a sudden change. My love did not welcome me, the wind did not blow, and the flowers were turned away from me. The vibrant colors of the flowers yelled hatred. Their petals mutated into demonic faces. The leaves became the heads of serpents waiting in the grass to attack. The wind shook violently, almost complimenting the evil of the tree. Each time I visited, a branch would cut my leg or arm. I could sense an unknown animosity coming from the tree. I asked what was wrong. I pleaded for her to love me back. It was all in vain. Each day I went to visit my love and each day she shunned me.
I cried endless tears. I tried to stop them, but they rushed out of me like a waterfall. There was a hollow feeling in my chest. My insides hurt. My eyes were bloodshot from crying. I tried to get on with life for the sake of nature, but I could not. I kept breaking into pieces. Everything that once made me Laozi, my heart, my lungs and my bones, collapsed within me. I fell into myself. I wasn’t here, but I wasn’t gone. I remembered the tree’s peonies, the soft bark, the “I love you” and my heart stopped, the salty tears that came after that were a reminder of my loss. I was a broken man.
Despite it all, I went to the river every day in an attempt to get better. I kneeled down next to the river bank and looked into the water. In my reflection, a corpse with baggy, dark eyes, and a sunken face looked back at me. It smiled and showed its rotten teeth. I almost gagged at the sight. I felt the tree watching me, disgusted by what it saw. I heard it giggle, amused by my misery. All I could do was bow my head and look at the grass. A tear left my eye, traveled down my face, stopping at my chin for a brief moment before it fell down. The grass moved apart, avoiding the tear so that it fell into the brown earth, never to be seen again.
Days later, the water in the river rose dramatically. It was the yearly flood. I had been so invested in the tree that I had forgotten about the flooding of the Huang He River. I saw my love; it was on the verge of being swallowed by the river. Nature was taking its course and I had to stop it.
I gathered the little energy I had and ran over to my love, desperately digging at the soil she was in, trying to free her and move her elsewhere. “Don’t worry dearest. I will save you,” I said. I dug with such fury. She refused to budge. Her roots were entwined into the deepest crevices of the earth. Finally, I had freed her. My nails were bloody and full of dirt; my arms were cut. I was exhausted. I then carried her high up into the hills, away from the river.
As I got away from the river, I was puzzled to see a man sitting against a tree branch. “Get up, son,” I said. “The river will be flooding soon. You will die if you stay here.” I noticed that the man had no legs. “Great Laozi, I cannot move for I have no legs. It is my fate to die here and that’s what I shall do,” replied the man. “But surely, you can crawl with your hands,” I said. “No Master, this is what the universe has planned for me. I shall accept my fate,” he replied. With that said, I ran off into the hills.
I came to a spot where the soil was fertile and buried my love. As I buried her, some of my blood got on her leaves and flowers. I apologized to her continuously. My filthy blood should never touch something so perfect. Regardless, she seemed gracious and grateful. I was pleased. The river would flood but my love would live. Yes she would live. I bid farewell to my love and retreated back to my home.
The next day I woke feeling refreshed. I went down by the river to fetch some water. Silt deposits were everywhere. I looked over to the tree where I saw the man the day before, he was gone. I shook my head and thought, “What a shame”. Surely, he had been taken away by the river. Accepting one’s fate in nature is something I could never do. What is the Dao? Allowing nature to destroy magnificent things and rebuild what it pleases. I was confused. Who was I? What was the Dao? Where had it gone?
As I pondered on the mysterious ways of the universe, I remembered about my love. I took the long journey back up into the hills. I came to the spot where I buried her. She was not there. What remained of her was a shriveled old piece of bark. The flowers were dead, their petals on the floor, its branches snapped off. The life had been sucked out of it. My love had died. I couldn’t believe it. My body flowed with despair; the veins in my body pumped bleakness to my heart like venom from a snake traveling through one’s body. I fell to my knees and began to sob. “I tried my dear. I tried to save you. Please forgive me,” I pleaded. There was nothing I could do. I had lost my love forever. I cried for days.
On my third day of crying, I began to hear a stream. I could sense that the water flowed gently over the rocks at the bottom, it brushed past stones, and its fish were living in harmony. I got up and followed the sounds of the stream. I felt the grass on my feet and inhaled the scent of nature. I could feel the warmth of the sun pump life back into me. The wind did twists and twirls around my body. The grass hugged and kissed my feet. The stream whispered my name, “Laozi, Laozi…” I sat by the stream and I watched.
By Roberta Nin Feliz