By John Tustin
Holy sh*t, there are a lot seagulls … literally hundreds of these f** kers. It doesn’t even make sense. Like, I’ll be in Whitestone, Queens, and there’s always seagulls, nowhere near a body of water. I mean they’re essentially just sea pigeons right? They just eat garbage and leftover food from humans, except it’s on the beach or shoreline. Also they leave shit everywhere, can’t forget about that. People say pigeons are flying rats, so what does that make seagulls? Like what’s the sea equivalent of rats? Nothing.
I would most likely describe seagulls as flying sea rats— and I feel like that’s much more fitting. If anything pigeons are polite, they dawdle around bobbing their heads picking up any food left on the ground. And I’m not afraid to say it, I think pigeons are cute, and I even say hi to them when I pass by them. Seagulls however are assholes. They’re the ones who steal that half-eaten hot dog right out of your hands, and they’re the ones who do that weird sound that seagulls make, you know the one. Pigeons however, do you know what sound they make? They coo. They make little cooing sounds that you can’t even hear unless it’s really quiet. Pigeons are rotund little busybodies that are just chilling. They are never in the way, always shuffling away from people unlike their watery counterparts who thrive off of the hate they get for being in the way.
I think the way I feel is due to the subliminal thinking that things that are more round and stout and small are more innocent, while things that are naturally larger and sleeker and pointier are more “evil”. Honestly they just look like wannabe eagles, but just can’t quite seem to get there. Also, to be very fair, I really do hate the beach in general, so take my opinion with a grain or two of salt. I mean, the sand in the pants is enough to make a seasoned veteran of the beach go insane. Plus, the random sh*t you step on too in the ocean is insane. I’ve stepped on countless broken shells, seaweed that wraps around my leg (which I’m assuming everybody thinks is a jellyfish at first), and even half a dead crab (yes half). Then there’s the aforementioned seagulls who really just worsen the mood. You just see one, and you know your whole day is going to revolve around them from then on.
The cherry on top however is the age to which seagulls can live, the maximum age a seagull can reach is 49 years! There are seagulls who’ve lived longer than some relatives. You know how many years a pigeon lives? 6. Honestly, it’s just a cruel joke God’s playing on us. The little round plump bundles of politeness last a fraction of the life span of a creature that embodies malice.
But whenever I get these bouts of feelings about flying sea rats, I have to remember that these are just animals. They don’t know any better, and minor inconveniences should be no reason to have full-on hatred for a creature. Sadly, the same goes for pigeons. They’re just nice by coincidence, and avoid people ’cause they’re trying to avoid danger—not because they’re trying not to inconvenience us people.
That being said, f**k seagulls.