Introduction: Teens have a lot of illusions and curiosity about romance, and even ordinary friendships can be be troubled by strong emotions and unintentional cruelty. Abusive relationships can accidentally develop in surprisingly subtle ways. The writer below shares her story as a reminder not to make certain common mistakes just because you want someone to like you.
By Nade Sama
One story that I’ve never told anyone, is about me and an ex of mine.
We were close. We started off as friends in 6th grade, (first year of middle school). We were both weird, watched anime, and just “clicked”. Over the summer of 7th grade, we’d call each other a lot, and kinda bonded from there. We saw each other daily, would talk about games and anime and whatnot. Then after awhile we started going out.
We never actually dated, but gave each other the label of “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Up until then I was categorized as that one weird girl who couldn’t get into a serious relationship. But after we got together, that thankfully stopped. Unfortunately, he wanted nude selfies, and was being really aggressive about it…and that’s when I ended it.
That’s the most that other people ever knew about that relationship. But there was more to it, things that I just buried, hoping to forget. Unfortunately I didn’t forget. I started distrusting others, but at the same time putting my heart on my sleeve so I didn’t seem distant. The attention I got from doing this was addicting. People started talking to me more, and I had a “status.” I was popular for the wrong reasons.
People liked seeing me twisted and manipulative. I was also hated a lot, and I can’t blame you if you did. I would act as if we we were close, when in actuality we weren’t. I might have touched you in ways I shouldn’t have, and in general I was weird, and awkward.
Well, back to my ex, since that’s something I want to explain. Anyone from my old middle school might remember M_______, as basically one of my few close friends, and the guy who I had a “relationship” with. I didn’t share the whole story at the time because a ton of you guys kept saying that I could do better, and probably would’ve said worse if you had heard about this back then. Me and M_______, were already pretty physical as friends, we touched each other quite a lot.
After we got into a relationship, we would do a lot of roleplay through texts, and a lot of times it would have a sexual slant. After one of these times he asked me for a revealing picture. Unfortunately I was in the moment, and complied, not knowing that it would come back to haunt me in a negative way. He and I then continued with our friendship as if nothing had really changed.
A few months later, I got kinda busy with my studies, and really didn’t have much time for him—or anyone else—and I told him this. I really didn’t think that this would cause our breakup, since I could still talk and hang out with him when I was at school, just not once I got home.
Around the end of that month he started asking for nude pictures again. I really wasn’t comfortable with that, so I told him “no”. He responded by saying that if I didn’t give him any, he’d show the one picture I gave him last time to all of our friends in our friend group. This to me was an immediate red flag, so i told him that if this was the way he was treating me, then we were done.
This was the first time I had seen him act like this or do anything like this. I was sad, and in tears. I trusted him a lot and I really wasn’t expecting this, because he’d told me earlier that he’d deleted the indiscreet photo from the chat log. That he didn’t save it. Everyone in the friend group also said that they didn’t get any picture from M________, so I thought that I was safe. And I was.
Nevertheless, I was having trouble coping or even talking to others during that time. And I swear to God, if it weren’t for R. being there for me as someone I could confide in—who then reported my unexplained behavior and made me go speak to the guidance counselor— I probably would’ve broken down more than that one time in Spanish class. Also, I give belated thanks to G. and the girls from Margaret’s Place, ( especially T.O. and D.), for calming me down in the bathroom.
I guess my way of coping with my insecurities back then was pretty unhealthy now that I think about it. I didn’t really talk to anyone, and put on a fake smile wherever I went. I surrounded myself with people to feel as if i wasn’t lonely, and joined a ton of clubs, ‘cuz home itself was a bad scene.
I didn’t think crying would help as much as it does, so I held back my tears and made other people feel like crap instead. Could you blame me though? I had been mocked in elementary school for being too emotional, and so when I started out in middle school I was basically a germ. Two girls I knew were both backstabbing b**ches. D. was also pretty fake, while SK. and M. just followed the crowd for the most part.
Then there was my brother, who saw me as annoying, and kinda ignored me. From there on it got pretty bad. I avoided most social interactions, and didn’t care about making more friends with whom I could talk, or practice any kinds of social skills. I had my online friends, and they were the only people I thought I needed.
Just looking back to when I had that mindset, I kinda hate myself for it. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else. I never learned important social cues, never knew how to hold a conversation, and never knew how to keep a conversation going.
Emerging from elementary school, I was (and still am), more used to listening to what other people say and just hearing them speak.
People telling me I was irrelevant became kinda normal, and I discovered I could ignore the insults. That might be the reason why I didn’t kill myself in middle school. Up until this point, actual living people were annoying and trying to hurt me. Who could/can I trust? On the other hand, being “fake” apparently made me more likeable, and ultimately that was a big plus.
After this first flawed attempt at being a couple, I’ve only ever gotten into 2 other relationships. One long distance connection ended because of fears that came up related to my first boyfriend. The second also ended, but there isn’t really anything I should/can say about it, except that I’m just done with relationships at this point.
(Postscript: If you or people you know are experiencing relationship abuse, remember that school-based counseling organizations like R.A.P.P, (Relationship Abuse Prevention Program) are available to help solve your problem. Further info is also available online from www.LoveIsRespect.org. Reach out. You are not alone.)